


If I Was Yours (But I'm Not)

by teamfreeawesome



Series: I Just Know I Can't Stop Thinking Of You [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pining Liam, Swearing, Unrequited Crush, but it kinda is zarry?, i'm so sorry for tagging zarry, liam thinks it's zarry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2013-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-25 02:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/947632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamfreeawesome/pseuds/teamfreeawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Liam spent a large proportion of his life feeling alone</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Was Yours (But I'm Not)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alexattherockshow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexattherockshow/gifts).



> This was... really hard to write. I wanted it to be fluffy, humourous pining, you know? But then this happened and - I mean, I'm not sure what happened. But apparently, in this verse, Liam is very, very sad. 
> 
> It was going to be in Zayn's POV to continue the trend of the series, but the boys did _not_ cooperate. But hopefully this isn't too disappointing. I feel like I've fed this fic with my blood, sweat and tears. I mean - it's not _personal_ , but there's something about it that feels really, intensely _close_. If that makes sense?
> 
> Also. Like. I haven't stuck to uni term times or researched real-life zoos or anything. This is so unrealistic it's ridiculous. I'm so sorry.
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> Massive, massive thanks to [Alex](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alexattherockshow) for encouraging, corralling and brightening my way through this - so for that (and more) ilu.
> 
> This is not beta-d because it's another present for my beta ;) So, if there are any mistakes, feel free to point them out.
> 
> Title comes from 'Ready To Start' by Arcade Fire
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not true. It's a work of fiction and no harm was meant by the writing of this. To me: fanfiction One Direction are fictional characters. I don’t, in any way, equate the stories to their real-life counter parts, because they aren’t the same people. Also, please, nobody send this to anyone included in this fic or anyone that they know.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated (and comments make me feel warm and fuzzy inside - like a fluffy unicorn) <3

Liam spent a large proportion of his life feeling _alone_.

He could never work out how to get people to _like_ him. School was a colourless stretch of despair, tendrils of despondency clinging to Liam like smoke. It was _heartache_ wrapped up in lonely classrooms – Liam pressed into the very front desk, shoulders hunched as whispered giggles and mocking stares painted their scorn into Liam’s skin from behind. It was the dull ache of held back tears as fists made contact with flesh - and the daily battle to even make himself leave the house. Every step of every morning was an uphill struggle, weighted down with the calls of _ugly_ and _boring_ and _stupid_. Friendless and alone, Liam shrunk into himself - curled into a ball, heart held tightly to his chest as it wheezed brokenly with all his unshed tears – and _hoped_.

He yearned intensely and desperately, hoping that maybe – just maybe – one day, someone might _want_ him. That someone might look at Liam, smile at him and say _I like you_. But year after year that hope was slowly chipped away, each new day striking wounds under Liam’s skin – the flesh of him open and weeping – until he gave up; resigned himself to waking, shaking and alone, with no one to talk to.

*

The arrival of Louis in Liam’s life was a bright burst of _happy_ against the gloom; he was a spark of colour, vivid and brilliant against the grey of Liam’s life. Louis’ friendship lit Liam up from the inside, warm and welcome. It was soft and sweet and _hopeful_ – a jolt of _good_ infused into Liam’s soul.

It’s been a slow process of self-acceptance since, guided gently by Louis’ careful coaxing of Liam’s vulnerabilities into more confident bloom. Liam often wonders why Louis chose to befriend _him_ -feels his face crumple in bemusement – but for some reason Louis _did_ , and Liam has never been more _grateful_. Friendship with Louis is an exercise in laughter and an adventure into trust. He’s a firework of exuberance wrapped around a core of _love_ so deep and un-ending that Liam feels his breath catch in his throat. Louis cares so deeply and reverently, loves his family so desperately and brightly, that sometimes Liam feels blinded. Louis pulls Liam close, enfolds him within his family and gently shows him the threads of friendship - and teaches him what it’s like to be _loved_.

He’s still getting used to it – getting used to having a _friend_ – and the sudden influx of three other people who want to spend _time_ with him has left floundering. It’s more than Liam ever let himself imagine _(fifteen and buried under a duvet, his throat tight from soft, lingering dreams rolling like syrup-dipped clouds across his mind – dreams of weekends filled with smiles and not tears; weekends of soft, honeyed touches and love breathed sweetly out across his skin)_. He barely let himself hope for _one_ friend and suddenly he has _four_. Four people who touch Liam like he’s something of value; like he’s breakable and precious and _theirs_. He still stutters over it in his mind – finds it hard to believe that it’s true. He has to pinch himself – unsteady and giddy on his feet – when his presence is greeted by smiles and bright expressions – and not _jeering_ and _laughter_ and blows to the sternum that punch tears from his eyes and leave him struggling for breath. Every moment with them feels like coming _home_. It’s _soft_ and _warm_ and _comfortable_ – and everything he’s never allowed himself to want. Because it was never an _option_.

It’s only been a couple of months since he met them, but they’ve burrowed so deep under Liam’s skin that he’d be anchorless without them. He can’t imagine going back to his previous existence – cold, broken and _alone_. They’ve breathed sunshine into Liam’s world and each breath he draws in only gets warmer and brighter as time passes. But. He tries to prepare himself, in case. Because. Once he’s outlived his interest – his _novelty_ – he’ll be cast out again, left to fall apart as he lies abandoned and lifeless. The idea makes his eyes sting and his throat tight, but he can _do_ it. He can do it for them. He can leave when they want him to because they’ve gifted him this time _now_ – time that he’s going to _treasure_ until the day he dies.  

*

Liam thinks, though, that sometimes being so entangled in each other means people get _hurt_. He sees the way Louis looks at Harry – and it’s like Louis has ripped open his chest and presented his still beating heart for Harry to keep. It’s vulnerable and passionate and _hopeful_. It’s Louis revealing everything he is and desperately trusting that Harry will keep him safe. But. Liam also sees the way that Harry and Zayn look at each other _(can taste the affection; feels the devotion; watches as the air crackles with the intensity of their love)_ and can only look on hopelessly as Louis’ heart crumbles; can only try to breathe through the pain as Liam’s own heart cracks alongside him.

The thing is, though, that Liam _likes_ Harry. He thinks he’s affable and sweet; reminds Liam of Niall – free and happy with his affections. And Harry has folded Liam into the group with friendly smiles and soft touches; has extended his edges to include Liam. But when he sees how Zayn looks at Harry _(soft, slow smiles and sweet, loving glances)_ he _aches_. His heart throbs in his chest and his stomach pinches. He feels the slow rise of hurt in his throat, the burn of ‘ _oh’_ hot under his skin – and he crumples. Because Harry and Zayn – what they’ve got is _special_. They’re like slow moving flames, flickering trails of _like_ with every touch. They’re gentle and deep, wrapped in bright bursts of passion so intense it hurts.

It doesn’t matter that Liam likes Zayn, because they make each other _happy_. They touch, and the air sings with starlight. And. It’s not like Zayn would pick Liam anyway. Nobody would pick Liam over Harry. Nobody would pick Liam at all. _Liam_ wouldn’t pick Liam. So he doesn’t begrudge their love – he sees that they _need_ each other. They need each other like _air_.

But. Liam’s had plenty of time to fall for Zayn. Two months have only highlighted what Liam knew the first time he met Zayn. Liam _likes_ Zayn. He likes his shy smile and the way it flashes into a happy grin when Zayn lets his guard down. Likes his cheekbones and the way they flush in the cold. Liam treasures the nights standing next to Zayn on the balcony as he smokes, the air cold and harsh against his skin despite the layers he’s piled under. Away from the _hotloud_ of the flat, Liam feels the curl of cigarette smoke across his skin – and there isn’t anywhere he’d rather be. Zayn is all poetry and whispers under covers in the dark. He’s _clever_ and _wild_ and a little bit spontaneous. He makes Liam blush and stutter and _want_. Liam wants to touch the mystery of Zayn. He wants to kiss the flecks of paint that dot Zayn’s fingers every night. He wants to go to sleep to Zayn and wake up to Zayn. He _wants_.

But it doesn’t _matter_. Because he can’t _have_ Zayn. He has a Harry – and Liam is as different from Harry as it’s possible to be. And, Liam doesn’t want to _hurt_ anyone. Doesn’t want to tell Zayn and make it awkward. It would ruin his friendship with Harry _and_ Zayn – and he loves them _both_ too much to allow that to happen.

“Liam. C’mon. They’re not dating,” Niall says exasperatedly when Liam mentions it.

But. Maybe they _should_ be. Liam sees the way Zayn looks at Harry _(like Harry is Zayn’s whole_ world _)_ and he doesn’t want to ruin that – doesn’t want to make them feel guilty for their affection. So, he squishes his feelings deep and focuses on being the friend they both deserve. And if sometimes he hurts - well. That’s his business.

*

A visit to the zoo is suggested on a Saturday morning in February.

They’ve all clustered around Zayn in his room, Liam chuckling softly as Zayn whines and buries his head beneath his pillow in protest. Liam reaches out tentatively and pokes Zayn gently, watching as his face emerges slowly, nose crinkled and expression disgruntled. Zayn blinks, soft and sleepy in the too-bright light, and Liam feels his gut clench with _want_. He looks sweetly grumpy, mouth turned down at the corners – and Liam wants to kiss him until he smiles. Instead, Zayn rubs his eyes sleepily with his sleeve and yawns, before slumping deeper into his pillow.

“What are you lot even doing in here? It’s like six in the morning, you crazy bastards.” Zayn grumbles, curling further into his duvet.

“We were thinking about heading to the zoo today,” Liam says, nudging Zayn softly with a socked foot. “You like the zoo.”

Zayn perks up, tufts of fluffy hair waving as he nods his head.

“I _love_ the zoo.” He agrees.

Leaning on an elbow, he pokes a foot tentatively out the side of the duvet.

“Leee- _yum_ ,” he whinges, pulling his foot rapidly back under the covers and pouting. “It’s _cold_.”

“We’re gonna see the _penguins_ Zayn,” Niall says in response. “It _needs_ to be cold for _penguins_.”

Zayn blinks, expression bemused. “I don’t think that’s - Um. Okay. Looking forward to it,” he says, before smiling gently at Niall.

Liam watches as they talk, heart warmed by the affection suffusing the room. Louis is curled sleepily around Liam on the bed, pyjamas crumpled and expression content. Strewn across his back is a tangle of Niall and Harry – Niall’s fingers curled into Liam’s shirt. They’re all slowly waking up properly and the room feels softly happy as they breathe together. Liam smiles, before disentangling himself gently and making his way to the kitchen for a cup of tea. He gasps slightly as his feet hit the cold tiles and he hops unattractively across the room as he adjusts. He bounces on the balls of his feet, cursing his lack of slippers, and flicks the kettle on.

“Leeeeeyuuumm,” comes Zayn’s plaintive wail from the bedroom – and Liam can practically hear the pout. “Tea please.”

“He’s making grabby hands, Liam! And he’s cracked out the _eyes_ ,” calls Harry, laughing. “It must be desperate. Get back here quick.”

Liam grins as he reaches for the mugs.

“I’m making _coffee_ ,” he shouts back.

He hears a cackle and a thump from the bedroom as he fetches the milk from the fridge.

“Zayn’s crying. You made Zayn cry with your coffee lies, Liam.” Louis shrieks around his laughter.

The kettle clicks off and Liam chuckles as he pours the tea.

“He deserves it,” he says after a pause, entering the bedroom with tea mugs in hand.

He places both on the bedside table before squishing in next to Zayn on the bed.

“Liam. You’re _spoiling_ him,” Louis gripes, jealously eyeing the tea.

“Yup.” Liam agrees, smiling.

He reaches for a mug and hands it to Zayn, whose long fingers curl delicately around the handle as he smiles softly up at Liam through his lashes.

“Thanks,” he says, voice soft.

Liam’s face warms and he ducks his chin into his chest, embarrassed.

“S’okay, Zayn.” He can feel the back of his neck burning, as he paddles his feet discomfitedly.

He reaches for his own mug and resolutely doesn’t make eye contact as he sips his tea, the tips of his ears still pink.

*

They finally manage to pile out of the house an hour later, delayed only by Louis somehow managing to hook his leg through his braces. After a rather exasperated Liam disentangles him – Harry’s clumsy fumbling only having made the issue worse – they head towards the train station nearby. There’s a cold, low-lying mist blanketing the streets as they walk and the air is damp against exposed skin. Liam shivers and tugs his hat further down his head. Beside him, Zayn is still sleep scrunched, eyes drooping as he walks. Zayn’s hands are tucked inside his sleeves, fingers stained blue from the cold. He shivers, curling deeper into his jacket. Letting out a low whine, he leans into Liam’s side and snuffles into his neck.

“Leeeyum. I’m tired.” He whinges, a disgruntled pout firmly in place.

Liam chuckles, before wrapping an arm around Zayn, taking his weight as he lists sleepily into Liam’s space. Harry leans into Zayn’s other side and gently tucks his scarf in tighter around Zayn’s neck, dimples flashing.

“There you are, Zaynie. Let Liam warm you up, babe.” He says, before tripping after Louis and flinging himself at his back.

“Ooph, Hazza. Oh my god, you’re far too heavy to be doing that, you great beanpole.” Louis gripes.

Liam smiles, eyes crinkling, as Harry mutters something unflattering under his breath. He reaches for Louis and swings him on to his own back. Louis’ laughter rings out, bright and happy as Harry canters towards the station.

“I’m a horse!” He shouts, hair bouncing as he runs.

“Don’t you dare trip, young Harry-horse!” Shrieks Louis, hands clenched tightly in the material of Harry’s coat. “You have a reputation for people dropping!”

Liam grins at Niall as he goes whizzing past, hands outstretched as the inevitable stumble happens. He misses the actual fall, however, as Zayn sleepily moans into Liam’s neck.

“Make them stop,” he whinges, voice almost lost beneath the shrieking just ahead of them.

Liam’s heart stutters as Zayn’s warm breath ghosts across the exposed skin between Liam’s scarf and coat collar.

“Can’t,” he whispers into Zayn’s hair. “Nothing can stop Louis once he gets going.”

Zayn grumbles, before lifting his head and wrinkling his nose.

“Bleh.” He grouses, sticking his tongue out at the still-shrieking Louis.

*

They do eventually make it to the station in one piece – and without missing the train, though they cut it close. It’s a quick journey to the zoo, made quicker for Liam by the soft, happy glances thrown his way. Zayn is in the seat opposite him, leant against Harry as the train rocks towards their destination. Louis’ loud laughter fills the background, but Liam’s attention catches on the slow smile lighting Zayn’s face as the station pulls into view.

Their actual arrival at the zoo is chaotic. Louis runs excitedly towards the entrance booths, dragging an equally enthusiastic Niall behind him. He’s laughing loudly, grin stretched wide across his face as the other three follow at a more sedate pace. Zayn has perked up now they’ve arrived, eyes alight with his own, more demure, excitement. Liam smiles apologetically at the woman in the booth when they arrive, Louis’ cheekiness obviously having rubbed her up the wrong way.

“Five adults, please.” He says, smiling at her hopefully.

She grunts, but rings them up without comment. Liam reaches for his wallet to pay his share, but Harry’s hand stops him.

“My treat,” he says, grinning. “I’ve missed you lot. Exams have kept me holed up in my room for too long.”

“Are you sure?” Liam asks anxiously.

His skin feels tight and he frowns at his feet. Harry is just so _nice_ and it makes Liam feel guilty for even _looking_ at Zayn. He’s Harry’s _friend_. He should be better than this.

“Course I am,” Harry says, reaching for the tickets. “Ta,” he offers the woman, before turning away. “C’mon, let’s go see some tigers.”

*

“Harry. Hazza. _Giraffes_ ,” Louis says emphatically, eyes wide, as soon as he’s through the barrier. “They’re like you, with their big eyes and trippy feet. Only – huh. Longer necks. And less hair. I wanna see the giraffes, though. C’mon, c’mon!” He tugs at Harry’s arm impatiently, clicking exasperatedly when Harry doesn’t move fast enough.

Niall wrinkles his nose. “Hang on. I don’t want to see the _giraffes_. I want to see the _penguins_.”

Louis pouts. “Well, you go see the stinky penguins then. Me and Hazza are gonna go see the giraffes. Aren’t we Haz? We’re gonna _feed_ them. That’s better than penguins any day.”

Sighing, Liam raises a placating hand. “We can see everything. We’ve got time, guys.”

“Nuh-uh, Liam!” Louis says. “They’re feeding the giraffes _now_. They’re morning creatures. Let’s just split up. We can meet at the café later or something. I hate penguins.”

Not waiting for confirmation, he runs off in the direction of the giraffe enclosure. Harry shrugs apologetically before tripping quickly after him. Niall turns to Liam and Zayn, expression bemused.

“Oh well,” he shrugs. “Penguins?”

Zayn wrinkles his nose.

“I don’t. I. They’re feeding the penguins later, yeah? I’d like to go then.”

Niall grins. “I’m going to come back again to watch that later. Penguins are so _cool_. But no worries. We’ll just meet up later.”

He flicks a half-wave and heads off towards the penguin enclosure. Liam turns to Zayn, who flashes a smile.

“Just me and you, yeah. Let’s go see those zebras,” he says, holding his hand out to Liam.

Liam swallows hard, palm starting to sweat, but takes Zayn’s hand in his own. His heart beats loud in his ears and he grins. Zayn’s hand is warm and firm and _little_ in his – and Liam squeezes softly, feeling full and overwhelmed and _happy_.

*

The zoo is a flurry of zebras and lions - and fluffy pandas that Zayn spends fifteen minutes cooing over, eyes wide with adoration. Liam ends up having to coax him away with promises of ice cream, but he keeps looking wistfully in the direction of their enclosure the rest of the way round. Liam’s cheek hurt from smiling all day, Zayn’s hand never leaving his, even when they get to pet cute bear cubs.

Liam feels bright and happy, cheeks rosy and flushed with the cold. His fingers feel electric where they’re twined with Zayn’s – and every brush of Zayn’s thumb against his skin is like a bolt of _shining_. Liam feels lit up from the inside, golden and brilliant with everything that Zayn makes him feel. And he knows – he _does_ – that it’s just friendly. Knows they all touch each other far more than most people Liam knows. But. He lets himself _believe_ , just for a minute, that it’s _something_. That they’re going to go home, bright giggles and sweet touches accompanying them. That Liam can press Zayn back into the sheets and kiss every inch of skin – and drop love into the crook of Zayn’s neck. That they’ll wake tangled together, soft morning kisses trailing across their bodies like flames.

*

As lunch time approaches, Zayn starts to wilt, feet dragging as he walks. Dropping a quick text to the other lads, Liam drags Zayn towards the zoo café.

“Need me to give you a piggy-back?” He asks teasingly.

Zayn brightens for a second, before grumbling and shaking his head.

“Nah. I’m okay. Ha. Louis’ beaten us to the café by the looks of it.”

Liam scouts ahead and spots Louis outside the café, wrapped around Harry like a monkey – Niall nearby and already half-way through a sandwich. Louis looks up and spots them, smiling happily.

“Liam!” He shouts, voice bright. “Hazza. Hazza! It’s Liam and Zayn. Put me down, quick.”

Harry complies and Louis bounces over to them, Harry and Niall following at a more sedate pace.

“Lads. I have had _the_ best time. A llama bit my finger! And the giraffes were good, weren’t they Haz?”

Liam watches as Louis tosses a look of pure adoration over his shoulder at Harry, eyes wide and sparkling. _Shit_ , he thinks. _Shit, shit shit_.

“Yeah. They were.” Harry agrees, voice soft.

He glances down at Liam and Zayn’s intertwined hands and Liam’s stomach jolts. _Fuck_. This whole thing is going to end so _badly_. Louis follows Harry gaze and his face lights up as he crows loudly.

“I see what’s going on here!” He cries, pointing at their joined hands.

Liam feels his cheeks flush, the back of his neck burning. Zayn snorts next to him, shaking his hand free from Liam’s.

“Oh, shut up Lou. Doesn’t mean anything.” He snarls, sneer pulling at his lips.

And Liam. He feels it like a blow to the gut, the breath punched out of him. His stomach drops and he swallows hard.

“Yeah,” he chokes out, throat working around the lump obstructing it. “Doesn’t mean anything, Lou.”

It’s just. He’d allowed himself to _hope_. And he shouldn’t have. Because he _knew_ it didn’t mean _anything_ – even as he wished for it to mean _everything_. But. Liam’s a big boy. He can handle this. It’s just a _crush_. It’s just a silly, silly _crush_. He can _do_ this. He can be the friend Zayn deserves.

But then Zayn turns to smile at him, expression soft in the glow of the midday sun and Liam’s breath catches in his throat, feels his heart ache in his chest and -

 

_Shit_. Liam is so _screwed_. 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Okay. So like. Towards the end I reached a point with this where I wanted to SHRIEK. I'd had enough. So, I just went 'fuck it' and posted it. So that might be reflected in my writing. I apologise if it feels a bit rushed. (I might come back and re-work it at a later date when I'm less annoyed with it)  
> 2\. I think this might be disappointing, if you're coming from the first fic? Idk, it's going to get happier, I promise.  
> 3\. ILU ALL AND I'M SO SORRY IF THIS IS CRAP. I've lost the ability to tell anymore. My dog is ill and I got 4 hours sleep last night because he kept barking.


End file.
